when the stresses mounted // no. 82

It has been a minute. It has felt like an eternity.

But I am here.

I am breathing.

Just when you think that all of the things were going to continue smoothly, a hiccup comes. A bump in the road. A struggle with the normalcy of life in the wake of something you cannot control. I have plans to travel, and they have not changed. Some of the requirements of the trip have changed, but not so drastically that I cannot go. And I know this, but still, I stress. I wonder.

And so now, I pray.

This used to be my last instinct. Now, it is becoming my first.

I can do nothing without God. Absolutely nothing. He is my lifeboat, my rock, my only steady hand in the face of current uncertainties. He is the only thing stable for any of us, and I wish I could reiterate that to any and everyone who is in trouble now. His love for me and you are great. His love for the world is cosmic and he breathed stars into being.

I need not worry about who holds my tomorrow, for even if it does not go as I have planned, He is not worried. He has not forgotten me. He has not wondered where my faith has gone, or my courage. He is bold as a lion and fearless. He strikes down nations with a word and brings to life things that were dead with his very breath. He is Alpha. He is Omega. His glory is irrefutable. And if I am the only one to declare this in the middle of this chaos…

So be it.

Thank you, God, for being the shelter we need. You reign fully and mightly, and I love you.

feeling regret & thanks // no. 78

I think that it is important to note my feelings in written words. It was a lovely weekend. The day was beautiful, but I may have been a little rushed in my approach to things.

SO, here’s what I regret:

I regret not talking more to the best man, and not making him dance with me since we practiced our routine for the reception that we never got to do. And that I side-hugged him goodbye and didn’t give him a real hug.

I regret being snappy at the bride during photos about the denim jacket because, in my opinion, I thought she looked prettier without it.

I regret being so concerned with myself that I couldn’t focus fully on all the people around me.

I regret not preparing a better Maid of Honor Speech.

I regret feeling like I had some sort of control over the people at the event when I had none.

I regret that I couldn’t keep my shit together enough to not leave things behind at the church.

And as much as there is to regret, there is much to be thankful for.

I am thankful that the bride and groom shared tender moments with each other and their families at the reception.

I am thankful that the sky was clear even though it was cold.

I am thankful that there was decent music to dance to and that my parents left early so I could shake my hips a little more.

I am thankful that so many friends came to celebrate the marriage of two wonderful people.

I am thankful that there were nachos for dinner.

I am thankful that I had a chance to have my hair done and made really pretty.

I am thankful for the new friends I made and the chance I had to give them a gift to experience more of our little town.

It was an all-around good weekend, and I will choose to leave my regrets in the past, look forward to the future, and be thankful for the present good things I experienced.