Have you ever found yourself in a place of both happiness and bitterness? Where you feel as if you are straddling a chasm and part of you wishes just to fall in so you don’t have to deal with the emotions you’re carrying right now.
This usually happens to me when something good happens for someone else.
I know, it sounds terrible. Let me explain.
I love my friends dearly and I rejoice with them when they are deserving and things go well in their lives. I know they will cheer me on when good things come my way. Yet, when a momentous event happens, why is my first thought a string of profanity wrapped in a bow of bitterness and my second thought joy?
Is it because of jealousy in my own heart? Have I been lying to myself and my friends this whole time about my motivation for being friends with them?
It is times like this where the thoughts of withdrawal come in. What if I stopped showing up? What if I didn’t respond? What if I left and never looked back?
These are the things that circle in my mind before I move to congratulations.
And that makes me sad.
Today, one of those momentous occasions was brought to my attention, and yes, my first reaction was, “Oh, shit, really?” My second reaction was, “That’s so cool, I’m so excited for them!” My final reaction was, “Will it ever be my turn and will anyone even care by that point?”
Well, let’s just say self-worth and confidence have not always been my thing. However strong I may present to the world, I’m desperately hoping to be seen, known and loved wholeheartedly, and I don’t trust people enough to do that. I’ve seen them leave. I’ve told them my secrets and they’ve taken them and left without missing a beat.
I’ve been shattered and scattered and my heart doesn’t feel whole. So I give out half-pieces of it, not letting anyone see the full mess anymore. I don’t think people can take it, or maybe I don’t want to believe that someone would want to. Because then I would have to risk the hurt again.
That is a scary thing.
Nevertheless, I am here typing away my sorrows knowing that today, after seeing this particular event take place for my friend and working through all of the feelings, I needed to pray.
Take the bitterness away, because while this does hurt, I know it cannot be the end.
A lot of times I feel like I must be failing miserably with the faith thing. Like, I must not have enough trust to be blessed with the type of love and care I am looking for in all of my relationships.
How incredibly short-sighted of me!
God really knows it all, my friends. I mean ALL of it. Even as I type out the things that have been doing laps in my head, I know that God is good. So when I felt the bitterness, I prayed. When I felt the misery, I prayed. I’ll do it all again the next time I come to it, too.
He is never too far nor too scared of our feelings for us to talk to him. He is so much bigger than what is in front of us. For all those who question, I’m praying for peace and hope for you, too.