The words practically screamed at me. They sat scribbled on a piece of paper, taped to my boss’ office door. They belonged to someone I trust, who I knew to be loyal, and fair and good.
No looking back, no goodbye, no warning. They just left them there and left us.
My stomach did somersaults and a brick laid itself on my chest. I felt tears welling up but pushed them away. I didn’t need those right now.
I can’t tell you why it affected me so deeply. Maybe it was because I felt like I didn’t do enough to get to know the person, to be a genuine friend and not just someone who jokes around. I think maybe I hoped it wasn’t real.
My stomach welcomed swarms of butterflies, making it difficult to do anything.
The more I read them, the louder they spoke. I could hear them roll off the tongue of their author, every tone of their voice and their mood clear as day. Words have strange powers like that.
They also have the ability to change the way a person looks. The more I replay the note in my head, the more the author of the note seems to shrink. Maybe that comes from the tone in which they were left. Maybe its because I know that the author is more than those two words. They are whole dictionary of phrases and words, letters placed together to form a story.
This was just a chapter closing. The book will start again.
Maybe I’m sad because I’m not sure when I’ll get to pick up the story again. For now, I just want them to keep writing. Keep creating. Keep pushing boundaries to go beyond what people think you are capable of.
I saw a quote the other day. “Girl, stop apologizing!” For some reason, it bothered me to see this. There is a culture being pushed on women to stop belittling ourselves and just go on and live how we want to. Now, I am all for living well and in a way that brings you joy, but I don’t think that has anything to do with apologies.
Why? Why do I have to stop apologizing?
What if I did something wrong? Shouldn’t I apologize then? Or does an apology mean succumbing to the inequality that still exists (in some minds) between men and women?
I believe equality also means taking ownership of yourself when you have done something wrong. Perhaps you are not sure if you’ve done something wrong, but you want to make sure that you are not harming anyone with your words or actions.
Now, I also do not think that women should feel the need to explain every little thing that they do. Women should be trusted to know how to do what they say they will do and understand how to ask for help if they need it. It’s just this notion that we, as women, don’t have to take responsibility for something that bothers me. We are as capable as men of doing something which requires an apology. Society must be so hyper-focused on the fact that men aren’t usually asked to apologize for their wrongdoings that they think all women should be exempt since they’ve been apologizing for things that were not their problems for years.
And maybe I’m just overthinking it all.
I don’t know.
This is one of those journalesque posts that really serve no one but myself in their publishing, to sit on the web and live a quiet existence but remind me of where my mind once was. I think that is quite alright.
Maybe the author of the quote wasn’t saying all apologizing from women is bad; however, the context of a quote like that should be further explored before it is thrown to the wilds of the internet, unlike this piece, which will go forth having only been vetted by the grammar-checking service I use.
As I sit in a new coffee shop, twiddling my thumbs and hoping inspiration will strike and that all my travel plans won’t still be cancelled in 2021, and that I can work it out to be a freelancer, I find myself just grateful for a chance to be out. A chance to explore a new part of the place I live which is vastly more beautiful than one can describe over a few typed words on a screen.
After this year, any moment in a new place is a gift.
This world is filled with people and places that have a story and a purpose and a drive to breathe in creativity and exhale new inventions and ideas. Some people would want to attribute that kind of colorful drive to a cosmic power of weird name and description, but it can only be from a divine Creator who has so much more thought capacity and room for creative inspiration than we know. I think he has this beautiful bend in his spirit to show us how much bigger this whole life is than we know.
You see, the thing about the Creator is that he is personal, and he wants relationship with us. Can you even fathom that?
An all-powerful, divine being who created something from nothing and knows every star by name wants to know ME?
And yet, I secretly wish to know him, too. Despite my fears of what might happen, I want to know him more.
Maybe that’s why I seek out new places to pen my thoughts. I find that he meets me in these moments in a way that I can’t connect to anywhere else. There’s always a space for me to listen because I’ve chosen to quiet myself. I’ve chosen to simply BE.
I’m grateful for his light and creativity. For his unending love. For the truth he brings to my heart. I pray you’ll know him, too.