trying to figure it out… // no. 29

All of the posts I have are somewhat out of order, and if I’m being honest, I love that.

I need the tiny bit of chaos in my rather uninterrupted life.

There have been so many trial-and-error moments in this journey of documenting my thoughts online, and each of them have served me in ways I didn’t recognize until much later. One of those has been the sometimes subtle yet always present feeling of people pleasing within my words. I can hear myself trying to appeal to everyone in my own stories. I forget to tell things not just honestly for likes, but for myself.

I am a 110%-boss-level-people-pleaser. I will follow people on social media who I don’t speak to anymore because I’m worried that they’ll be mad if I don’t. I assess a situation and learn to speak like the most powerful people in the room. I will move mountains to make sure people feel comfortable, and oftentimes I do so because I know it will serve me better. I don’t mean to paint myself as manipulative or ill-willed, but I know my own needs well enough to admit that there have been times where my serving others has been to selfishly fill a void of self-worth and love that I needed to be filling elsewhere.

It is a strange thing, people-pleasing, because as much as that dance between genuinely helping people and doing things for my own purposes drains me, it also brings me some level of comfort.

Perhaps that is why I stay put so long. The comfort is just that, comfortable, comforting, COMFORT.

But people always say that good things don’t come from comfort zones.

In my life now, I am learning to be a steward of the present. I’m also learning how much I really value comfort now over the achievements of tomorrow. It might sound counterintuitive to make present decisions while focusing on the future, but I find that more and more I am becoming aware of the things I do not want to take with me as I grow older. To consciously choose to let go of some of those “comforts” now for the sake of myself tomorrow is a serious business.

That realization is something that has made me consider every facet of my personality. I can still focus on serving people around me while also learning to back off and say no or choose to serve everyone better by taking care of myself. By doing so, I actually end up in a position to truly help people the way I want to.

Figuring oneself out is a journey. A dear friend once reminded me that there is beauty in the journey and that it has always had a greater weight than the destination. I’ve been chewing on that quote for sometime now. More of what I enjoy doing has come to my attention over the last several months, and it has been a crazy and beautiful thing. To know joy when so much inner work is underway is a gift I will never be able to return to the One who gave it to me.

Here’s to many more entries of jumbled thoughts in authentic moments.

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