You CAN Get Better at Being Alone

The last 18 months have been some of the darkest we have faced in this generation. Unexpected deaths, countless hours spent alone, and separation from family and friends left us gasping for air. To say we were able to adapt to unknowns is a laughable sentiment. We had no choice. Through juggling Zoom calls, DoorDashing food, and InstaCarting our groceries, we found a way. We, the human race, found our way through. Many people called on their faiths, others called on goodwill and kindness, but we did it.

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the ability to process

It comes in waves. I can’t always see the onset of it, but it always comes in waves.

When you are an empath, there is nothing that stops the faucet of feelings you have every second of the day. Whether it is about a current event or remembering how you were affected by something seven years ago, you FEEL. It is a gift and a burden wrapped up in a package that looks just like me.

I often struggle with finding the words in real life to convey how I am feeling. I seek out the descriptors of emotions from the blood of the poets, their ink, to articulate my thoughts. Sometimes I find a friend in them. Other times, I wonder how I’ll ever be able to manage.

Have you, too, felt this way?

Inwardly wrestling against yourself and the need to know and understand so much that your body begins to shut down?

I felt this today, and with the current state of the world, I chose to back off. I opted out.

So many are calling this a privilege that I am using to avoid a situation.

I know I cannot be helpful in the way they so desire if I remain where I am.

Most importantly, I cannot hear God when I am busy trying to solve the world’s issues on threads of life. I have not met with him today. These words are the closest time we’ve spent together, but I know He is with me. He helped me get off of social media today. He helped me silently put it away and just be. I am here, breathing. Taking it all in slowly, and laying it right back down at his feet.

He is the only one who has ever helped me process my emotions. He is the only one who truly understands the weights I feel, and He is helping me see my priorities.

If I want to be a teacher, I must first be a student.

And, so, here I am.

A student.

I have absolutely no idea how to be “adequate” enough for anyone in the world who has an agenda, good or bad. I’m going to be authentic with all, vulnerable with a few, and raw with Him. This is my lesson, to sit and know him better that I may be able to share him with others.

This is a long journey. But I will see the fears I have of not being enough and raise them the fear that this just might be the best reason to keep going.

He is enough every minute of everyday.

Thank goodness.

when the wilderness is not a desert

It doesn’t sit with me, this idea that the wilderness is a desert. I mean, yes, it can most certainly be a desert, a desert of hopes, of dreams, of sins. Yet, I can’t help but feel in my soul that the rain is also a wilderness.

You see, I’m in the wilderness right now, I know it. The state of my soul has shown me that I am in the wilderness and that what I thought was a good season has not entirely passed, but the landscape shifted and I walked right into a place where I have felt alone, unloved, unnoticed, and beyond help.

If that isn’t wilderness I don’t know what is.

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thoughts on stuff cluttering your mind

In a season where things are changing and stirring within my heart, material things have been some tangible catalyst for grounding my anxiety.

This is slightly problematic, because all of those material things have been new ones that I’ve bought. It isn’t even that I don’t have the money for them, I just don’t have the money for them (if you get my drift).

I’m having to learn the value of stewarding my money well. In the past I’ve wanted to be this big-shot blogger who is in with all of the cool brands, going on all the sweet free or paid trips, and is speaking at big events.

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when the stresses mounted // no. 82

It has been a minute. It has felt like an eternity.

But I am here.

I am breathing.

Just when you think that all of the things were going to continue smoothly, a hiccup comes. A bump in the road. A struggle with the normalcy of life in the wake of something you cannot control. I have plans to travel, and they have not changed. Some of the requirements of the trip have changed, but not so drastically that I cannot go. And I know this, but still, I stress. I wonder.

And so now, I pray.

This used to be my last instinct. Now, it is becoming my first.

I can do nothing without God. Absolutely nothing. He is my lifeboat, my rock, my only steady hand in the face of current uncertainties. He is the only thing stable for any of us, and I wish I could reiterate that to any and everyone who is in trouble now. His love for me and you are great. His love for the world is cosmic and he breathed stars into being.

I need not worry about who holds my tomorrow, for even if it does not go as I have planned, He is not worried. He has not forgotten me. He has not wondered where my faith has gone, or my courage. He is bold as a lion and fearless. He strikes down nations with a word and brings to life things that were dead with his very breath. He is Alpha. He is Omega. His glory is irrefutable. And if I am the only one to declare this in the middle of this chaos…

So be it.

Thank you, God, for being the shelter we need. You reign fully and mightly, and I love you.